How to Get God to Do Tricks for You so You Can Be a False Apostle, Prophet, Evangelist, Pastor, Teacher (SATIRE)

Do you have a desire to be a false apostle, prophet, pastor, evangelist, pastor or teacher? Having a hard time getting the false ministry to ignite? Yes? Well I have some helpful tips for you.

In order to have a successful false ministry you need God to show up and do weird things. What weird things? You need God to make them fall over, laugh, roll on the floor as if they’re on fire, and even electrocute them in a baptismal.

You could just preach about repentance and the forgiveness of sins, but everyone knows that’s not real revival or breakthrough. Without special tricks from God, repentance and forgiveness are less than window dressing.

Every successful leader of a heretical false ministry knows there is a price to pay in order for God to show up and do his tricks.

Todd White is a perfect example. He once got God to show up and electrocute people in a baptismal for him. All because he paid a price.

What’s that I’m sensing from you? Oh, you’re starting to wonder, but isn’t ministry about serving God? Oh, you silly n00b.

Ministry is all about you, you, YOU! Luckily God is all about making things about you, but only if you’ll pay a price.

Bill Johnson of Bethel Redding was given a cool ministry because he was willing to pay a price. One time God came and paralyzed him, and Bill consented. The result? A super swag false ministry where God comes and does a lot of tricks.

Remember, ministry isn’t about answering God’s call and serving him, it’s about having a desire for a ministry, then finding what price you must pay to have it.

 

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